In my 22 years of living my real mother has never once encouraged me. Every day I wake up and thank God for another day and hope that maybe today will be the day she gives me what I long for.
All I want is a phone call saying that everything is going to be okay. Because right now things are good but at the same time they are so bad.
My spirit is aching and I don't even know why. I can't sleep, my level of motivation is down, and my heart is so heavy.
I envy girls that can talk to their mothers about any and everything, get the love a mother should give. Because I need that. I don't get that.
My mother thinks I'm weak and too nice. She says I ought to suck it up. That if I can't handle something then maybe I should try some easier, like giving up.
What do I say to that huh? How do I handle that? I'm so good at giving people advice and watching them get what they want out of life. But this, what I should have been getting since I was born is so hard to acquire.
And I'm tired of fighting for it. I refuse. This will be the last time I cry. This will be the last time I argue with her. I can't seem to get what I need most and if I keep fighting this fight I'm going to go insane.
I hate to say it but I feel like, unless it is extremely necessary I will not be around my mother.
And I know people say, you only get one mother, but dang... if my mother doesn't and hasn't acted like a mother what do I have. But a person who allowed me to live in their house for 19 years.
I can't imagine what you have felt like, but I do know that in many experiences in our relationships with family, friends and others, sometimes we just need to pull back. Sometimes, we are sitting and waiting for things to come about, things to change, pieces to be filled in, but as long as we are PRESENT and WAITING, it hurts that much more... I wish you the best in this - believe it or not, regardless of what she says, you are strong - because you have carried along without something you have wanted, needed and deserved.
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